How to Elevate 50 Men in 90 Minutes
The Conscious Masculinity workshop with Ryel Kestano at Interfusion Festival that revealed the joy of manhood rooted in compassion
Amidst a snowy January lull, I attended a transformational gathering in Arlington, Virginia—yup, my hometown—called Interfusion Festival. Of the 5 days I spent playing, singing, dancing, manifesting my dreams, and unlocking neuroplasticity, one workshop struck such an uplifting chord that I’ll strum it again for you: “The Authentic Man: Skills for Conscious Masculinity” with Ryel Kestano.
After cautiously navigating the slushy, icy sidewalks to arrive safely at the festival’s grounds inside the Crystal Gateway Marriott—poof—a sign appeared!
It was true… my lower back had been achy for a few weeks. Not one to ignore the signs, I immediately dove face-first into the floor cushion to receive a Thai massage.
Brittany worked her magic hands & feet to help me feel brand new in 30 minutes flat. (Or was it 30 flat minutes?)
As we parted ways with a warm hug, she reminded me that “We function best when we give & receive 11 hugs a day.”
Feeling refreshed and restored, I floated over to the Conscious Masculinity workshop and landed on a comfy pillow in the center of the ballroom. I took my shoes off, opened my journal to a fresh page, and took a sip of kombucha—ready!
My pleasant perch was impermanent: Ryel invited the 50 men in attendance to stand up and walk.
Conscious Movement & Authentic Relating
As we moseyed around the room, Ryel guided our awareness:
“Notice the sensations of your body with each step you take. Be aware of your feet on the floor. Make eye contact, acknowledge the men you pass. How does it feel to be here in this space together?”
“Now, with the next person you encounter, stand facing each other and offer a nonverbal greeting.”
I stood across from a guy and witnessed my mind making instant assessments: “He’s a little older than me. Looks intelligent, kind, and harmless. Reminds me of a friend. Cool glasses.” We hugged.
Ryel resumed our walking, and I found a new partner. As we stood eye-to-eye, my mind went to work: “His energy feels sharp, maybe hostile. Oh! This guy wants to compete with me. About my age. I’m taller, pretty sure I’m stronger. Nicely trimmed hair and beard. Well-dressed in the kinda garb that indicates he’s been around ‘conscious communities’ for a while.”
Plot twist: Ryel asked us to share what we were thinking!
Okay, here goes…
“I sense competitiveness and subtle aggression emanating from you,” I said.
“Actually, I did not want to pair with you,” he admitted. “Perhaps on a somewhat subconscious level, I’d been sizing you up and trying to see where we stack up in the pecking order.”
“Bro… same here. I—or rather, my ego—was comparing your well-groomed hair and beard to my scraggly mop.”
As we spoke, the competitive energy evaporated.
Was that initial contest a natural phenomenon that happens whenever two men of similar age first meet? Is that the primordial “mating competition” of our evolutionary biology, or is it the product of how our society guides men to interact through scarcity and competition?
Regardless, it felt great to shift quickly into a warm camaraderie just by sharing a couple minutes of real talk, man-to-man. I’m grateful to report that we have stayed in touch after the workshop—he came to Shabbat dinner at my house and I attended his film premiere. 10 points for the power of authentic relating!
Mischa Byruck, facilitator of another excellent Interfusion workshop titled “Decolonizing Sex: Navigating Power Dynamics in the Bedroom and Beyond,” shared a term that aptly sums up that interaction: we “defanged our dynamic.”
Rite of Passage
Next up, Ryel led us through a miniature rite of passage that I’d call ‘The Tree Hug Squat Lineup.’ We paired off and formed two long lines, facing our partners as we sank down into a squat—arms rounded and reaching forward to embrace the imaginary trees before us. How long we’d stay there, Ryel didn’t disclose.
As the minutes dragged on, I strained to maintain stillness. My thighs burned and my shoulders offered some pointed protests about holding this posture.
Ryel mercifully engaged/distracted our minds with a story. He explained that throughout history, most human civilizations placed great importance on guiding young women and men through rites of passage—enabling the shift from girlhood → womanhood and boyhood → manhood. But in our modern world, these rituals have largely fallen away and we’re now suffering the consequences on both personal and societal levels.
Rites of passage fascinate me. I’ve experienced a few through my fraternity, soccer teams, Transformational Leadership Training, and my Vision Quest:
Vision Quest I: The 72 hour fast & solo camping trip that changed my life
As I scanned my calendar for the summer ahead, I was jolted by the sudden realization that I might have made commitments for every single weekend from May - August. My apprehensive eyes found a future full of festivals, family reunions, friends visiting, and leadership retreats. My inner introvert reacted with a single syllable: “oy…”.
Side note: If you’re interested in experiencing the powerful, transformative experience of a Vision Quest—either solo, with a friend, or in a small group—you’re welcome to reach out. I’d be honored to support you in preparing for it and integrating it afterwards.
Our legs, arms, and minds thoroughly tested, Ryel ended the rite by commending us for our resilience. He acknowledged that rites of passage can empower men to step into their mature archetypes. Though our tree-hugging may have been more of a microdose rite than a full-blown Vision Quest, it felt like an important moment in my masculine evolution.
“Move through the world with a strong back, a soft front, and an open heart.”
~ Ryel Kestano
Grand Finale: The Transmission of Wisdom from Elders to Youth
The workshop concluded with what you might consider another rite of passage. The elders—men aged 50 and above—stood on one side of the ballroom, while the rest of us—the youth—gathered on the other. Ryel guided us to look at the elders and thank them for their experience & wisdom. In turn, they honored us youngins for our potential & optimism.
Ryel emphasized the elders’ responsibility to transfer their knowledge to the youth, and he encouraged the youth to receive their guidance with reverence. After all, the elders’ leadership and societal importance would soon pass down to our generation.
Each elder took a seat “on a throne of at least two pillows” and we gathered around them to listen respectfully as they shared their wisdom. The elder I chose to listen to was an athletic, muscular guy with strikingly excellent posture. The graceful fluidity of movement made it clear that he’d dedicated thousands of hours towards mastering his body.1
I asked him, “Why is it important to be physically strong?” He replied:
“Your body is your temple. It’s important to care for it as best you can. Strength, mobility, and endurance are crucial elements to cultivate because they enable you to protect your loved ones and contribute to your community in many meaningful ways. Remember, physical strength is not so separate from mental fortitude—they go hand in hand.”
~ an elder of the Interfusion community
With those words of wisdom ringing true in my ears, the workshop came to its conclusion. I took a few deep breaths and realized that I felt complete—for the day, the weekend, and the whole festival—even with 3 days of festivities to go. This powerfully empowering session with the men of Interfusion gave me what I’d intended to receive from the festival: an expansion of my consciousness, an elevation of my confidence, and a deepening of compassion so that I might go forth into the world and share these gifts with all of humanity.
Sending Peace & Love from Sequoia National Forest,
Shine
Two great books that delve deep into rite of passages, masculinity, and humane nature:
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette
Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B Cialdini, PhD
He’s actually the first guy on the left in the squat line picture with the beard and man bun. If I recall correctly, yoga, Qigong, and functional fitness are his main physical practices.